Top five Melbourne wedding venue toilets
A toilet tells you everything you need to know about its respective venue.
If they’re in a poor state – cracked seat, one ply, max splashback etc – I start to ponder what else the venue is cutting corners on.
What’s going on in their kitchen? What’s the tread depth of their stairs? Are they up to AS1657 minimum Australian standards?
Conversely, if their deposit station is up to scratch, I feel… at home. In sync with nature.
Here’s my top five. In no particular order.
Jackalope Hotel
This is more than just a toilet. It’s an experience.
I’ll be honest; I can’t remember exact features. I know there’s a water feature and sensor doors. I’m pretty sure there‘s also a small vent leading out to Narnia.
I just recall being blown away. This is a top-class place. If you’re looking to impress a partner – or even a high-class escort – look no further.
Post Office Hotel
The Post Office was my first real venture into the world of mixed toilets and, you know what, I was impressed. Very impressed.
Walking into a male only bathroom makes you question humanity; as if there’s been some type of war of the faeces.
The Post Office Hotel lid opener gave me new life. It’s clean. There’s a surplus supply of hair gel, deodorants and maxi pads.
Sure, it was a bit weird walking out of cubicle four and seeing Jenny walk out simultaneously from cubicle two.
But it’s something I can get used to.
Panama Dining Room
Ok, heads up – I popped this in for nostalgic reasons. Sure, it’s got great stall space and a handy mirror, but the reason for its listing is because Panama was the setting for my first ceremony.
The wedding was for my ethnic Macedonian friend Daniel ‘Bruiser’ Besliev. Every time I go in there I can’t help but think of him and his delicious beard.
Hey Dan.
Polperro Winery
I dig Polperro. It has a fantastic ceremony space and an equally tremendous bathroom facility.
You’ll feel right at home with its fresh towels and country charms.
Plus, the low-level mood lighting perfectly hides my mini bald spot.
I’m very happy with my hair. My brother and Dad lost their locks in their mid-20s, and I’m still going strong at the age of 30 something.
Portaloos
I love a DIY wedding. And I dig a portaloo. I know right – bit weird. But it serves a purpose.
Sure, it’s hotter than February and there’s bugs inspecting areas you’d prefer they not inspect, but it’s all about the feel.
I open the door of a portaloo and enter a different, well, portal.
I enter a time when I used to head to music festivals with my old buddy Nathan Peiper. When I close my eyes I can picture the great man back at the campsite cracking open a cold(ish) one that he snuck in under the panel of his busted yellow ute.
Good times. Great classic toilets.
Have I missed any loos that need mentioning? Would you rather not discuss such a lewd topic?
Get in touch below regardless. I’m open to all conversations.